I’ve done this in the past you know, choosing the smallest banana in the bunch on the kitchen counter. The smallest, oldest, yuckiest, because I have to save the “good ones” for everyone else. My husband, my daughter, anyone…..really….it doesn’t matter who, I’ve done it forever, it’s automatic, and it’s not just bananas! It was always about putting myself last, saving the ‘good stuff’ for everyone else. It’s a spiritual virtue right? being humble. I would say “no really, YOU go first”, “I’m so sorry”, “You’re right”….. I could go on, I was a doormat, you know a ‘people pleaser’……I think the essence of this behavior was low self-esteem. It was about not deserving; thinking that everyone else was more important, deserves more than me.
I am currently in my advanced Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training (Level II) at Yoga West LA. It’s called “Life Cycles & Life Styles”. We are studying the cycles of life, from birth to death. Every 7 years our consciousness changes, every 11, our intelligence, every 18 our energy. We worked on meditations, yoga postures & in small groups working through our early ‘stages of life’. We did deep healing work, I’ve done this kind of healing work for many, many years. Here’s one of our meditations from last weekend:
In the first seven years of our lives our “patterns” are formed, our beliefs about ourselves. What happened to you in the first 7 years of your life? Look closely and you might see some ‘false beliefs’ that are still lingering. I’ve visited there all too often, believe me, I was in therapy on and off for 15 years! So here I was again sitting in my meditation thinking “oh great, I have to deal with this crap again…..again…..again….how can I STILL have patterns from this time? Divorce, abuse, abandonment……well even after all these years of healing myself (granted it’s soooo much better), I still have these voices in there saying “you don’t matter”, “your damaged”, “who are you to live in your light & teach these teachings”……and on and on…..so yet another layer, of healing is happening.
In Rumi’s poem “Begin” he says:
“This is now. Now is. Don’t postpone till then. Spend the spark of iron on stone. Sit at the head of the table. Dip your spoon in the bowl. Seat yourself next to your joy and have your awakened soul pour wine. Branches in the spring wind, easy dance of jasmine and cypress. Cloth for green robes has been cut from pure absence. You’re the tailor, settled among his shop goods, quietly sewing.” (Translated by Coleman Barks from The Book of Love)
So, lately I’ve been working on taking at least the medium sized yellow banana, the brightest & best is still tough……..Sat Nam